This week has found me in one solidly consistent state of feeling rejected. My crush at work didn’t ask me out before his last day, a grant that I applied for turned down my application, and did I mention that my crush never asked me out?
It can be rather distressing to focus on the positive when what you’ve been focusing on rejects you. And it’s not even that it’s that big of a deal, or that it’s not a positive in and of itself, it’s that the idea of you not being enough starts to outweigh the parts of you that are enough. It’s like we spend our attention looking out at the things that would make us feel worthy instead of looking in at the things that make us worthy. I’ve been understanding this so much lately in that every time I’ve heard “no” (or nothing at all), I would follow that rejection down a rabbit hole of “What is it that I don’t have, or that I am not doing?” in an attempt to justify my feelings of lack, when what I should have done was reflect on what it was that I was truly after, what having the object of my desire would have reflected back to me about who I am, and go back to the place inside that needed to be reflected or seen. In the instance of being rejected from literary opportunities, funding, partnerships, etc., I believe that I’m searching for an experience outside of myself that defines my perceived purpose in education, so instead of reaching outside of myself for something else to reflect that purpose, perhaps if I focus inside to what the purpose wants to say and manifest, I will in effect be reflecting and defining it myself. (I could say that better.) In the case of being rejected by my crush…actually, I’m not sure how to make this point because I just really enjoyed his company. However I do believe that in any instance of relationships or romance, we’re seeking a reflection of the love we think we deserve, and if it doesn’t work out, then we have to become the love that we’re seeking, more or less. I get it, but seriously sometimes it’s just dating and enjoying people’s company.
This is very rambling, and given that I haven’t written a column in a week, you, whoever you are, have my sympathies for making it to this point. I think the real question that I’m asking is that, if I’m okay with “not forever, and just right now victories” what forever victory am I forfeiting if I can’t get over a right now rejection?
How do you deal with rejection? Share in the comments below!